EherM eHERm

It was a splendid day. Aside from Karl expressing what he truly feels about his life and telling me that he doesn’t want me around no more, I had realized that the entertainment/ production industry is like competing against a monster truck. Its no fun and games. Every second counts and is worth a billion gazillion bucks. Sheesh.

So here I am contemplating (and also doing the laundry at the same time) about my life and what to do. Do I really want this? Is this my God-given destiny? I’m not really afraid of what is to come but what really worries me is can I make it? Can I give my best? Can I give my all? Am I going to create an impact on this industry?

I was going through a script today. and lemme tell you its bull. It’s typical. And not to mention, cheesy. That made me think? Is there any hope for change in this industry? When are we going to scratch out ’stereotypical’ scriptwriting? Haven’t we had enough of stupid horror films or teeny bopper crap? Sheesh. We were given brains weren’t we? Creativity and Uniqueness starts from us. No one else and we shouldn’t be afraid to show it to the world.

and now it is going to start with me.

The sky is all gloomy but I’m happy. Deep inside me is a sudden gush of peaceful bliss. I love it. I feel like staying at home, just being cozy and snuggling my pillows on my bed. I love how the weather’s all chilly. I love the way the little rain drips on the rooftop. My dog looks so cute. He’s tail is all around him. Poor thing.

I hope this will never end. This peaceful bliss I feel. Its like I can let go of everything and just be who I am.

She chose to walk alone
Though others wondered why
Refused to look before her,
Kept eyes cast upwards,
Towards the sky.

She didn’t have companions
No need for earthly things.
Only wanted freedom,
From what she felt were
Puppet strings.

She longed to be a bird. That she might fly away.
She pitied every blade of grass
For planted they would stay.

And then she was gone.

This poem really made me cry. I have felt this way all my life and yet I love every bitter sweetness of it.   

Just got back from ABS and shopping for pants. Gosh, I’ve never been so tired but it was fun. No regrets at all. I feel so alive and I feel like I’m actually living for something (Again! Finally!)

Just met with Karl last night. It was fun. He was this small adorable guy. He’s in a yellow shirt. It was funny. He looked like he was working at Bio Research (they were actually wearing yellow, for some reason. Probably, the animals are attracted or mesmerized with the color. I don’t know? Or maybe the designer has a poor taste in color.) We ate dinner and laugh our asses off all night. He took me home… well, barely because I had to accompany him to get to Cubao. hehe.

I miss him. I can’t wait to spend another time with him.

I cut my hair again. I think this is my 100th time. Lakas ng kita sakin ng Parlor ni ate. haha. This is where my compulsiveness takes me. (Well, there is compulsiveness in everyone of us) Anyways. I would like to take this time to talk about me. Not being selfish or anything but I want to give myself a chance.

tinamad na ako *bow*

Just stop freaking complaining and start thanking God for what you have. Doh!

"bato bato sa langit, tamaan sana magkabukol."

Sober again. It’s just wonderful whenever something shifts that fast. Your turning right but your wheels just wanna go the other way. I feel so alone tonight. I feel like everybody just wants something from me but not the whole me. Someone wants me because they can benefit from me. I’m tired of the word me. It makes me feel selfish whenever I use it. I don’t want no bottle to cheer me up nor a needle nor another’s arms. Well, I can make exemptions though. All I want is just someone to understand. that’s all. I know I’m moody but I’m more than that….I mean c’mon I make mistakes. But I just one soul. One soul to look beyond what my weaknesses and strengths are.

Another’s arms. Where’s all the (true)love in the world? I feel like I’ve been deprived with it.

It’s 30 minutes til midnight. Another day is arising. I know I will feel better tomorrow. All of this feeling will disappear. Even the people involved. I do not have to sink within this feeling. I might feel this way but I’ll be alright.

I hope you called back. But you didn’t. Sorry but it might change things a bit and I want you to know I don’t live just for anybody.

Is it goodbye? Still, I hope not. But if it is, there are a lot of fishes in the sea.
Worth giving my whole being.

"*cough* cough* is the mic on?"

When I was by the screen door, my world suddenly stopped. Then I thought of Morrie Schwartz. Then I suddenly asked myself, "Do we have to know that we only have days to live before actually start living our lives?"

We walk pass each other everyday.  Think about what clothes to wear, what food to eat,  how to make more money. But does it all matter? I mean is it worth thinking off? Will it all make any sense at the end?

I have a friend, and whenever I ask him about how he was doing, he would just answer "as usual, work". Isn’t it a bore? I don’t mean to sound ‘mean’ or anything but who wants that answer everyday? (Yes, Rico! Get a life!)

"People are too insatiable to realize and value the things they already have."

We always want things better but sometimes the best things are just in front of us.
The more complex the more simplest the answers are. We see it as complex because it pushes us to get out from the status quo.

"May dalawang babaeng naglalakad patungo sa Escolta at nagkatinginan sila sa isa’t isa. Sabay irap ang dalawa at tumuloy sa kanilang paglalakad. Pareho silang sunod-tingin sa isa’t isa. *Blagag!* *Swoosh* Yung isa bumangga sa poste at yung isa nahulog sa kanal. And they all lived happily ever after. Fin."

Ladies, never look at a fellow feline from head to toe. Instead ask her where she got her pair of heels or top. Nobody got killed just by asking.

Gentlemen, don’t let others kiss your ego. They might end up biting it.

Kids, stop pushing yourselves to grow up. There are plenty of time. Believe me. And stop going to Decades, Jaipur or what-ever-night-bars. You don’t belong there.

"Crazy? I’m not crazy?"

Tumungo si Sisa sa bukid, at hinanap ang kanyang dalawang anak. "Crispin, Basilio!!! Asan kayo?" Sumigaw uli siya "Crispin, Basilio?! Tulungan niyo ako! Ang mga anak ko! Asan kayo?!!" Ngunit walang pumansin sa kanya. At tuluyan ng nabaliw si Sisa sa kadahilanang sobrang pagmamahal sa mga anak na nag- barhopping lang pala sa Malate at hindi nagpaalam. Kaawa-awang Sisa at ang mga pangarap niya para sa susunod na henerasyon.

I have always known that there is hope in the midst of failure, contagious anxiety and in the smell of garbage every morning. Somehow, I’m slowly losing it. Talking to one of the people I admire and aspired to be made me realized that the world is unfair and that passion is not enough. (Maybe because he was speaking out from his mind but not from the heart.)  I don’t know. I love that dream with all of my heart. It is dear to me because it is the only thing I have in the world and somehow others tend to steal it away from me. Power and influence is my greatest enemy. I have lost direction. Where do I go?

I shall go where there is hope yet again.