EherM eHERm

"This day was oh-so-super-fun. I can’t deny it was. But while I was trying to redeem my strength from my hyper-acidity, oh boy, oh boy! The feelings of happiness suddenly turned into a bitter route when we went home from the photo shoot. Like all the memories started to come back to me. Happy then Angry? What are the odds! Whenever you laugh your heart out, you also have to pay the price. "Not in too much happiness too man!" I feel like I’m losing respect from people. I feel so left out all of a sudden. Para akong binabastos. Actually yah, binabastos ako. Harap-harapan pa. Like when I try to ask them questions, they don’t answer me or even the way people look at me or how they hang up the phone. Even my own brother doesn’t have respect for me anymore. Sometimes I just wanted to be silent but I guess that’s not my personality. Sometimes I want to answer them back, but  I don’t want to hurt their feelings.  But if that’s how you wanna play it, then let the games begin.  I’m tired of you pushing me around like I’m a nobody. Wait til you see the real me. You’ll be scared I tell you. I’m even scared of myself. Of what I can do. Don’t wait for me to erupt. It’ll be scary. If you want respect from me, you won’t get it from me, you’ll get it from others. I won’t talk to you anymore. If you talk to me, don’t worry I’ll answer. I won’t do the same thing you did to me. That’ll be so low. but don’t expect me to come to you. If you tried to hog over the mirror , I’ll just tap you on the shoulder and I’ll say excuse me your blocking my view.  If you try to  look at me head to toe, I’ll look you in the eye, straight, I won’t say anything, why would I. I’ll just waste my effort and saliva. If you try to touch me or even rub your freakin skin on mine, I’ll say "please move, you’re making me feel uncomfortable, and if u didnt hear me out, I’ll be the one to push myself away and when you still didn’t hear me. Either I’ll shout in your ears til you bleed or kick you in the balls.. coz you definitely deserve it."

- Maige, Angry at the World

Ok ok. So my dad and I had this very serious short talk. As in 30 seconds. Really. As in 30 seconds. I asked him "Pa, kung ikaw masusunod, mas gusto mo bang makagraduate muna ako bago ako umalis?" and he said "Nak wag na. Andzan na eh. When an opportunity comes, grab it!" And that was the end of the discussion. Oh yeah and there we’re a little of your-mum-said-mumbo-jumbos but really it took only 30 seconds. Then i started wondering… Isn’t  graduating college an opportunity? To even finish it! I mean its an accomplishment!  The hell you’ve been through those 4 years. The tears. The beer moments. Thesis and eye bags. Fried Tuna. Out of towns. Graduation Gown. Production. I mean it was all worth it. It was an opportunity to even finish it. But what if I get there? What then? Pareho lang naman ang buhay dun at dito. Ang pagkakaiba nga lang, dolyar ang pinag uusapan. This is just really hard for me. I want to finish college here. Sayang naman kasi.

This is the first Sunday, I stayed home and what a perfect timing… It’s our Congregations Anniversary. (Perfect timing Diarrhea!) So I’m here sitting by the computer. Just stretching my brain to do one of our feature story. Eating my usual sandwich. What a bore. I hate it when this things happen. I must’ve ate something. I don’t know. Things happen for a certain reason. For whatever reason that may be, I have no clue at all. Maybe God just wanted to tell me to not eat street foods or to not drink herbal teas every Saturday or maybe certain things aren’t just going to go your way. It’s alright. I have accepted the fact that some things aren’t supposed to go your way. I even came to the point to even think that God has favorites but does he?! ‘Come on Grace. Snap out of it!’ I don’t even have the right to claim that idea. I haven’t read my bible for months and I fear that I won’t be able to in a year or years. Then why Am I still alive? Why does God still wake me up every morning? I feel like I have lost my voice. I know it’s deep within me but it’s not waking up. It’s like in a deep sleep or something. A deep slumber. A deep trance. Overwhelmed by the world of intimidation and fear and jealousy and selfishness. Somehow it overdose on sleeping pills. When will I wake up?

I just realized then, that I was just a face in a crowd but now I know that I’m being called for something great. Something big. Something that my deepest dreams couldn’t even conquer. I don’t see it but I know it’s coming. It’s just amazing. I mean amongst billions of people, His eyes set on you, calling upon you and waiting on you to make the second step on life’s greatest adventure. We are all called for something great I believe, but it’s a matter of when we will respond. To take off ourselves from the plagues of our own desires and to start to think about unselfishness. To conquer fear and to stop laziness. To go to greater heights.

The starting point my friend is the beginning of change.   

This is day isn’t any ordinary day I tell you. It started out bad but somehow along the way, it turned out to be something that could change my life forever. Its like, I’m on fire. So enthusiastic about life and other people. As the jeepney I was riding passed by the neighborhood, I wanted to just shout out and scream that there’s always hope. There’s always hope! There are mornings because there is a chance for a new beginning. That it’s alright to mingle and talk with people who live on the streets. That its ok to help. To not be ashamed to do good things. To be extraordinary!

Sometimes I stare at nothingness. It bothered me for quite some time but a friend let me realize it was normal. Call me pathetic but sometimes it gave me happiness. Anything that gave me happiness I grasp but I know I wouldn’t hold on for long. It’s just out of a temporary feeling. The urge to have someone pick you up from school with your favorite burger on his hand or the minute you text him and he rushes to the hospital with his motorcycle just to see if everything is fine, or the little kisses he gives while watching a movie at the AVR. Those little things made me happy. It gave me a feeling of comfort. I have always thought of him as someone real. But no. He doesn’t exist. I’m in love with a guy who doesn’t exist.