EherM eHERm

Life is beautiful. It is. We just assume its a game cause we play it by our own rules. Our rules: "Drink, be merry, feed your heart with pride. That is how to survive life." people say. Shoot! Ang pa-paranoid ng mga tao dito sa bahay. Nahahawa tuloy ako. I don’t really give a dang about the cartooning thingy. Tignan mo nga naman. Pati dito hindi ko masabeh. Gusto kong magmura pero di ko magawa. Galit ako. Sa lahat! Sa sarili ko. I feel like a bird trapped in a cage. I need to get out as fast as I can. Onti na lang, patay na ko. Nalulunod na kasi ako. Unti-unti. Dahan dahan. Kelangan ko pumunta kina RS, sa Cavite para makahinga. Tumakbo. Umiyak. Tumalon at kumain ng halo-halo. Ayun. Alam ko hindi kasagutan ang pagtakbo pero minsan lang toh. Para lang makahinga. I’m suffocating and I’m dying. Tama na ang drama…

My heart breaks when I see people forgotten by their loved ones. I had a conversation with ‘Tatay’ and he told me his side of the story. He’s family lives in Davao and he had been kicked out in his apartelle here in Manila. There was no way to contact his family. I could say he had lived on the streets for a very long time. I have always noticed him. I passed by him every now and then after church activities. This also made me wondered. Does his family even know about his situation? Did they even tried to look for him? What I was impressed about him was his faith. I can say he was a man of character. He was calm, blaming no one. He did the sign of the cross as he was laying down to sleep and as I was bidding him goodbye. I was touched by this man’s faith. I mean based on my experience, honestly, even just a "simple" bad thing happen to me, I usually blame God for it. But ‘tatay’? There was no scene of anger, just hope.

I remembered someone told me that an artist once bought an 80,000 worth of one single Gucci bag. I wondered and computed, if people would stop and take time to ponder. 80,000 pesos would feed 80 people for one day and would even buy them slippers for their withered feet. (Help me compute. I’m not really good in math. Even the simplest equation like a + b + c)

So I would like to encourage you to not look at a person’s physique but always ponder on what’s within. Always remember: "You don’t know everything."

This ‘cartooning’ stuff is making me all nauseous. I know God has his own reasons.

The night was dreary, I lost another fight,

Struggling to flee from this seemingly nightmare.

I couldn’t breathe….

The morning seems far away, holding on was the chance I got to take.

In a corner of the dark alley I stand,

waiting to be swept away by someone I longed to care for,

Fairytales… pathetic, they seem to poison me,

Get me out of this mess… I gotta get out of this mess.

Let it be beautiful for me, less painful the worst.

Running away is the better option and staying, suicide.

Hold my hand, see through me then you will see,

I hope you see

Please do

Keep me away from myself, tie me up if you have to.

"No more!" I shout but still I do

The world is full of beautiful strangers, preying for one another.

Succumbed to the path of their own pleasure

and I am one of them

I gotta runaway…

No I’ll face it!

I’m a rose withered… out of time, silent

My own thorns are running after me

The blood I spilled are many

wake me up from this nightmare

I don’t want it

Keep me away from myself so I can spare many

When will I shout "Enough!"?

I gotta wake up

i just gotta…

I feel really unhappy… anxious even. Things aren’t going where they are supposed to be. Everything’s a disaster and I feel like a selfish jerk. Is it because I’m just over my head or do I seek attention from the people who have found mine? It’s weird being in my place. As a friend of mine told me, sometimes you’re going to fly sometimes you’re going to fall. I’m tired. Tired of being a jerk, being impatient with things. Slowly I’m losing hope. Like anybody cares right? I’m tired of being negative.. ( Ha-ha. Then what the heck Am I doing? ) Siguro napapagod na din yung discipler ko kakapakinig ng puro negative from me…. No bible reading. No prayer time…. I do try. People kept on pushing me on what to do… tryin to make me feel guilty… i hate it. It makes me feel I’m less of a person. But I don’t blame them they want what’s best for me. I just wish they would just stop talkin and start hugging me. That’s all. Eventhough they try hard enough to speak, I still feel the gap. I wish I could get back everything I lost….

I think I’ll just sleep this off….