EherM eHERm

Sa buhay libre lahat ang mahahalagang bagay…. Sumigaw, sumayaw, magmahal, malasing, tumawa, umutot, magholding hands, mag-usap, umupo sa sirang upuan ng kotse sa hardin ni lolo farm, magpicturan, umiyak, matulog, umakyat sa rooftop, gumupit ng bangs, magharutan, makita ang mga bituin, hangin, suminga, umamoy, bumuga, magduyan, mahulog sa duyan at higit sa lahat…

mga kaibigan na kasama mo habang nadarama ang mga bagay na ito at ang lalaking nagpatibok ng puso mo.

Salamat guys. Sa uulitin.
Alfred. Masaya ako. Masayang masaya. 

It’s the 24th of December and it’s a pretty fine day. It’s just an ordinary day for lil’ ol me. Don’t take it personally. I know it’s noche buena and all but I haven’t really been feeling Christmas at all. Is that what really happens when we grow up? We don’t anticipate it anymore? Oh boy! Days go by so fast when we grow up.

I miss being a kid. Oh let me rephrase that. I miss being able to feel this certain feeling. The feeling of Christmas. The time were families gather together. I miss Tito Boy so much and he’s cooking. I miss my cousins. One I can’t find. *sigh*

I guess that’s what you have to cope up when you grow up. Changes. I definitely hate it. not just hate but I LOATHE it. but that’s what life is all about.

It’s 4 days before Christmas and I have never felt so alone. I feel like there is something missing. Its like everything that I had was taken away from me. Here I am. Eating chocolate to cheer myself up. (Chocolates are like a best friend for me tonight) Endorphines make me sick yet it makes me feel good. I’m starting to gain weight again because I keep on eating when I get depressed. SCREW DIET!

REFLECTION.

After a long wait to finish the film, finally it’s done.
This production team has gone through thick and thin. From 3 canceled shoots
to the creepy and spiritual issue, this team has proven that no one can hinder
us from doing what we do best, BE MASS COMMUNICATION Students.

The day of our departure for our shoot for MAKAPILI, I got
sick so I wasn’t able to come. I regretted that time of my life. I know I have
missed so much. I know I was not physically present but my heart and prayers
were with them. Though strange things happened, I thank God nobody got
seriously hurt.

After the shoot, a lot of shitty things happened. There came
a point that friendship was tested. Trust was an issue and the good old
financial blues but yes, we pulled through. So screw those who didn’t believe
in us.

To my team, I apologize for not giving my all. Yes, I had
lost hope but you guys were my tower. I have underestimated this production but
I was wrong because the people behind it really kicked ass. I love you guys.  

computer shop. chilly. my friend Envy. black nails. orange place. That’s what the scene is right now. And I feel like I’m missing someone. I have thouht thoroughly about what I feel for him. It’s realy killing me slowly. Like a poison which I forced to drink. I was deeply touched with this Joan of Arcadia episode where Joan’s mum and bro were talking about this girl. He said he felt like his stomach hurts when this girl was not around. And her mum just replied that nobody can heal the wound except the one who caused it. That is so true. But the real question is "What if that certain someone can’t because he doesn’t feel the same way?" While I was facing the mirror the other night, all I said to myself was he’s only a dream. A dream that’ll never be fulfilled. I am starting to let it go. And now I suffer but tomorrow I will let go and say goodbye.

It’s official. I am 21. Yes. Old enough to drive.
Old enough to have a tattoo. old enough to get a job. Just old enough.
But not too old enough to get married, to have kids and to get old. I
have always believe that this is the real mid-life crisis, you know.

There’s a lot been going on with my life.  (And I have always thought there was nothin’ really going on) I’m kinda anxious about it. Chocolate is the solution. ha-ha.

A lot of things has been hindering us from graduating. Unfinished projects, professors who are pain in the ass, thesis, health. It’s just too much. A person once told me "You can’t give what you don’t have" I think I should slap this to our professors’ who ask too much.

Lately I’m having this birthday jitters. I’m turning 21 this November and I felt like I haven’t done that much. I felt there’s nothing happening with my life. No bank account. No career. No Nikon d40. Nothing. I thought I was nothing but while I was eating breakfast, there was a sudden whisper within my inner being that maybe I was looking but I wasn’t really seeing.

I have spelled the word "Ok" three times and still, it’s spelled wrong. What is it supposed to be? I mean, how do you spell "Ok" without making a mistake. I’m gonna try this. O.K 

ALRIGHT! It’s supposed to have a period between O and K. Ha-ha. So that’s how you spell O.K.

So that’s not really what I wanted to talk about right now. Actually I don’t know what to talk about eeerrrr… type. There are just these random things in my head. Just keep on swirling and turning. The feelings all together are making it worst.

Worst comes to worst. We are now in the verge of trouble. Down the path of death, meaning ‘getting expelled’, from one of our major subjects. It’s either we’re going to change professors or are we going to fight for our right to parteeeey. No. No. That’s not it…. it’s the right to do what we have to do.

My head spinning. I guess I’ll just have to sleep this through. I’m going to wait for prince charming to wake me up.

It was a splendid day. Aside from Karl expressing what he truly feels about his life and telling me that he doesn’t want me around no more, I had realized that the entertainment/ production industry is like competing against a monster truck. Its no fun and games. Every second counts and is worth a billion gazillion bucks. Sheesh.

So here I am contemplating (and also doing the laundry at the same time) about my life and what to do. Do I really want this? Is this my God-given destiny? I’m not really afraid of what is to come but what really worries me is can I make it? Can I give my best? Can I give my all? Am I going to create an impact on this industry?

I was going through a script today. and lemme tell you its bull. It’s typical. And not to mention, cheesy. That made me think? Is there any hope for change in this industry? When are we going to scratch out ’stereotypical’ scriptwriting? Haven’t we had enough of stupid horror films or teeny bopper crap? Sheesh. We were given brains weren’t we? Creativity and Uniqueness starts from us. No one else and we shouldn’t be afraid to show it to the world.

and now it is going to start with me.

The sky is all gloomy but I’m happy. Deep inside me is a sudden gush of peaceful bliss. I love it. I feel like staying at home, just being cozy and snuggling my pillows on my bed. I love how the weather’s all chilly. I love the way the little rain drips on the rooftop. My dog looks so cute. He’s tail is all around him. Poor thing.

I hope this will never end. This peaceful bliss I feel. Its like I can let go of everything and just be who I am.